When clients walk through my door, they are often making a huge leap of faith and trust. They open up to me about their vulnerabilities, their insecurities, their fears and their passions. They relate their struggles with self-confidence and body image. This is something I can deeply relate to and I share my own experiences and feelings with them in return. But what never fails is their look of shock when I tell them how deeply I can relate to their battles with themselves and their struggles with self-acceptance, particularly when it comes to self-esteem. I get everything from surprised looks to exclamations that I couldn’t possibly understand how it feels to hate your body. For a long time, I was genuinely confused about why people assumed I was confident and loved my body. Eventually, it began to come together and I started to understand that people saw my modeling career and my numerous selfies as narcissism, not as the desperate attempt at therapy that it really was.

My Own Before & After Transformation

I’ll NEVER ask my clients to do something I won’t do myself.

It’s not something I’m terribly open about, but I’ve spent most of my life struggling with serious self-esteem and self-confidence issues. I’ve battled a deep, toxic hatred of my body since I was a child. I went on my first hardcore diet when I was 11 and have fought an uphill battle with self-image all through my teens and twenties. After an abusive marriage and a nasty divorce, I was a complete disaster. I had no idea how to not hate myself so much. I started modeling, not because I thought I was sexy, but because it scared the hell out of me. It was terrifying to get naked in front of a camera because I had to let go of control. I have this odd compulsion to do things that scare me. And the more they scare me, the more drawn to them I am. I was also married to a massive control freak who saw my body as a possession that he was in control of. I had some runway modeling experience in my teens but I got married young and left all that behind. Both fortunately AND unfortunately, the only thing I love more than something that scares me is something that I’m told not to do. So I left the ultra-conservative control of my marriage and my ex-husband behind and did the next logical thing… became a nude art model. It was the most liberating, freeing, empowering feeling in the world!

When I finally picked up a camera myself, I had no one to photograph! I also had zero idea what the fuck I was doing and didn’t even know how to use a camera. Then I opened Photoshop for the first time and worried that I’d accidentally bought NASA shuttle launch software by accident. So I did the first logical thing… set up a timer and took selfies. In the privacy of my living room, I photographed myself for the very first time. And it was awful. When I looked at the results, I cried. They were terrible and, what had started as a logical way to educate myself, ended up far more emotional than I ever expected. I went in with such practical expectations and walked away frustrated and disheartened. But those first 124 photos were how I originally learned to use Photoshop and how to retouch women.

As my studio grew, I couldn’t find the time for selfies anymore. My business exploded faster than I ever expected and it took over my life. During those formative years, I learned the hard way that I needed to value myself, my craft, my relationships, and my time. All small business owners learn this at some point but sometimes I feel like a particularly slow learner, lol! I learned to outsource, how to set boundaries, how to say “no,” and, eventually, to find gratefulness, balance and peace. As I learned and grew, I also learned to take time for myself and to make myself a priority. Part of that is always making time for creative exploration, because that is what makes me happiest. My first selfies were simply a way to educate myself. Now they’ve become a way to explore myself. I get to try new techniques with no pressure if I fail. I get to try on all sorts of personas, sort of like being an actress without having any lines. If I can think it up, I can become it, and that’s pretty amazing. It’s also incredibly satisfying, creatively speaking.

But MOST importantly, doing my own intimate self portraits requires that I forgive myself. Let me explain. When a client comes to me and they have stretch marks, I don’t judge them. When women come to me with scars and loose skin, I don’t judge them. When they have cellulite, I don’t judge them. I love them and celebrate them and get excited for them and build them up and remind them that we ALL have those things! And none of those things keep us from being beautiful, sexy, desirable, lovable, or worthy. I say those things to every woman who come into my studio… but I wasn’t saying them to myself. In fact, for years, I told myself precisely the opposite. But when I do a self portrait, I have to disassociate myself from the process a little. I have to pretend like I don’t know myself, like I’m working on a photo of someone else. I am learning to show myself the same love, forgiveness and tolerance that I show to everyone else.

I get an incredible high from showing women how beautiful they are to me and letting them see themselves the way I see them. It’s why I was drawn to boudoir and why I have worked with women from the beginning of my career. If I couldn’t love myself, I could at least help other women love themselves. It is, without a doubt, what drives me. It’s been a long road and an intensely emotional decade but every one of you inspires me so much. Every time a woman gets teary-eyed at her reveal, I feel like I heal a little bit inside. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the self-love that I preach, honestly, but damn I’m trying.  I always worry people will think my “selfies” are narcissistic or worse… but it’s me putting into practice what I tell every one of my clients.

Interested in your own shoot? Have questions? Email me at beth@losthighwayimaging.com or use the contact form here on the website.

We serve all of Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New York and beyond. Clients regularly travel to us from Boston, NYC, Hartford, New Haven, Providence and we are happy to help you plan your travel if you are coming from further away.